The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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