the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
