I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I want her autograph on my taint
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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