the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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