i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
