the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
he high fived his dick after we had sex
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
