Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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