Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
