is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
