This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
