Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
