Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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