im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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