puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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