guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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