They should really pass out barf bags in church
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
