you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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