The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My feet surprised me
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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