I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
