I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
