Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
