Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
