apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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