I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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