I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
