I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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