saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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