Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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