Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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