ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
