i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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