Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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