i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
