Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
