I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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