Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
