sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
