wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
