I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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