You can't special order awesome
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
