I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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