no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
