I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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