spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
