So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
