I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
