the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
