imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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