i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She bit a glass in half.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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