I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
