I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
