He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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