guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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