Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
