Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
