Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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