oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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