I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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