I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize