remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
