drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
