Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
