I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize