I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize