No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
