Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
