He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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