so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
How naked do you want me to be?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
